Polar Bear

I have always been a very sentimental person, what my mother calls a dear heart. As a child I had a bookmark with a picture of a teddy bear and some other toys abandoned by an attic window, captioned with some goofy poem about forgotten old friends, and it used to make me cry. It was this kind of thing that made my emotional state often frustrating to my father, endearing to my mother, and incomprehensible to my friends, but to me it was mostly just a burden. It meant that I couldn’t properly enjoy such children's classics as The Velveteen Rabbit, and that when my classmates were all celebrating the beginning of summer in June I was on the verge of tears remembering that 5th grade would never come again. It meant my room was always messy, because I couldn’t throw anything out, and when I tried to clean it I got distracted reading notes passed years ago and daydreaming over toys and crayon-covered paper menus from back when I still ate kid’s meals.

I wouldn’t say that I learned to turn that off completely, but I did learn to deal with this inability to take things coldly. It took me most of junior high and high school to come up with a good strategy. I avoided sad movies and books. I trained myself to look forward to change. I made strict rules regarding the length of time I could keep an unused item before discarding it, and I tried my best to stick to them. And so I made it through college with relative normalcy, only revealing my secret sensitivity to the few close friends I needed to help me through the most traumatic moments, and at graduation I even managed to feel genuinely happy and excited about moving on.

So I found myself at TJ Maxx one afternoon with Betsy, my college roommate, better described at this point as my best friend. I had recently acquired a full-time job and had more money than I had ever had before, all my own, and not many expenses. The awareness of my new wealth gave me an exciting feeling which competed with the thrill of being and acting like a grown-up. I tried to let the grown-up part win when it came to questions of spending money, but occasionally the grown-up part would slip and fall and the newly moneyed part would win the race to the cash register. I knew this about myself, and more importantly, so did Betsy, which made her a good shopping buddy. So there we were, making our way up and down the aisles, looking over everything so as not to miss any good bargains. I was on the defensive, trying to focus as Betsy did on the things that were so hideously tasteless or tacky that I could not possibly entertain the idea of purchasing them, and could instead be entertained by wondering aloud who had gotten paid to design these offenses to good taste. And then we stumbled upon the section that can always be counted upon to host the highest percentage of items that make any reasonable person say “why??”—the Christmas decorations.

As I'm sure you can vividly imagine, the shelves were overflowing with smiling snowmen with bright pink cheeks, green cones dusted with glitter snow, and prancing reindeer whose necks did not look nearly muscled enough to support their improbably large antlers. I felt safe waiting here while Betsy checked out her one weakness, the scented candles. Meaning to help her with a good distraction, as she always helped me, I began to pick up random objects and wave them at her, joking that she NEEDED this pinecone bird with real feathers, and how could she live without this candy cane candle? She turned around at the mention of candles, and that’s when I saw it. It was a polar bear statue, about the size of a kitten, and covered in glitter as if to camouflage itself like a wolf in sheep’s clothing before making off with the unsuspecting youngest member of the nearby glittery snowman town. I picked it up, laughing, and turning it over in my hands, caught a glimpse of its face. This was not the face of a carnivorous killer. I had clearly misinterpreted his size because of his fallacious proximity to the snowmen. This was the face of a cub, looking a little forlorn and very, very adorable. Lifting him for Betsy to see, I exclaimed “Oh, he’s actually kind of cute! And look, he’s only $4.99!”

Sensing danger to my credit cards, Betsy reacted with an admirable speed borne of years of practice, firmly announcing “You do NOT need a sparkly polar bear, even for $4.99.” And the reasonable part of me knew this, knew that I could use that five dollars for almost anything else and it would be better spent, knew that I would have nowhere to put the polar bear and that really, he was pretty tacky. But a persistent other part of me, a part that had been around long before the reasonable part grew in and was proving very difficult to leave behind, felt the polar bear tug at the heart strings I tried so valiantly to ignore and really just wished I hadn’t looked him in the eye.

Words!

My mom just told me about this fantastic website, wordnik.com. It's absolutely wonderful or, one might say, amazing, astonishing, astouning, cool, dandy, divine, dreamy, fabulous, fantastic, fantastical, glorious, incredible, keen, marvelous, miraculous . . . all suggestions from the "Related" function on the page for the word "wonderful." You can also find the pronunciation and etymology of any word you look up, as well as the stats on how many others have made the same search and examples of the word in context (so far all the examples I've read have been just as charming as the rest of the site). The coolest part though is the blog, accessible at the top of the page, which discusses the word of the day in more detail. My favorite? Terpsichorean, meaning related to dancing. I can't wait to use it! I've always loved obscure words but it's been a while since I've given much thought to that particular passion of mine, so I'm thrilled (atingle, excited, psyched, stoked, turned-on, worked up) to have this great new tool to keep me in touch with words and other lovers of them.

strung up

i gave you an inch
--benefit of the doubt
you pulled it miles out
and wound it round my neck
and now i'm strung up here
and though i hate the height
at least the view is clear

Long December

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would"
--the Counting Crows

I think that last line is just so sweet and somehow poignant. It's partly the melody, but I love the way the words shape that feeling. And although that's the chorus they only say that line once; it turns into "If you think you might come to California...I think you should" and then "It's been so long since Ive seen the ocean...I guess I should." It's really a lovely song.

Ambition

"Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine."
--Elvis Presley

And that's what sets apart those who want to be from those who become.

When U Love Somebody

"Baby, remember on the bus and my hand was on your knee
When U love somebody it's hard to think about anything but to breathe
Baby, I am the cub who was washed out in the flood
When U love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood"
--the Fruit Bats

I'm not sure what the "U" is all about, but I love this song. I like the implication that being in love doesn't change the way things happen to you (you still bleed when you bite your tongue) and I also really love the description of how you can be totally consumed by it (it's hard to think about anything but to breathe).

The Light

"It's the light that's changing
It's the light that's changing
It's the light that's changing
It's only the light
What can I do to defy you
What can I do to deny you
'cause I want no part of this breaking
This is a hurtful mistake you are making
And to me this love was true and shining
Oh, these years were real and defining
Please, please don't forget how much I meant to you
When, when you are redefined by someone new"
--Mason Jennings, from "The Light (Part II)"

I first learned of Mason Jennings when I heard "Fighter Girl" on XPN, and it was one of those songs that I had to write down some lyrics so I could find it when I got home. I've since acquired (through emusic, legally!) many more of his songs, and I am always struck by his beautifully apt word choice. This song in particular is so gentle and rolling if you listen to it--certainly because of the music, but I think also the rhymes help to create that feeling. And what I really love is that they don't feel forced or manipulated at all. It's as though rather than pushing the words together as many do, he picked carefully through a whole mass of words and assembled the ones that belonged together.

Talent

"Talent is a species of vigor"
--Hoffer

If You Can't See Me Happy

"If you can't see me happy well just look the other way"
--from "Selfish Jean" by Travis

I love this line. Says exactly what you want to say to your ex--I'm happy and I bet that bugs you--but subtly enough and with just the right amount of attitude.

Dubious Sugar

"Do not sprinkle any dubious sugar on my destiny"
--J.D. Salinger

From one of his short stories. My friend was reading it a few weeks ago and stopped to read that part aloud, and I'm so glad he shared cuz that's awesome. But I have to say, I'd take any kind of sugar, dubious or otherwise. I'm not too concerned about the legitimacy of good luck at the moment.

You Dont Know What Love Is

"You don't know what love is
you just do as you're told"
--the White Stripes

I'm sure we've all experienced that moment, when someone tells you they love you and you just want to respond with "no you don't" but it seems kind of rude or harsh or just somehow inappropriate and instead you have to either pretend you didn't hear it or say it back . . . not that I think that's what this song is about, but somehow both the situation and that part of the song were in my head at the same time and I thought "why not."

Awful Things

I've been thinking some lately about the horrible things that can happen--those things you dread your whole life and always push away, trying to keep them in the far recesses of your mind, but sometimes they come close, happening even to you or to people you know:


now I know about my parents' worry
that look of grave concern my father sometimes wore no longer seems so foreign
they knew the ugly truth that I had yet to realize
that violence is often unprovoked,
that bad things can happen to good people

they knew too the validity of fear
had an understanding of which I was still innocent:
how inconceivable the mere thought, let alone the act
of moving on
of continuing with life
should (true and awful) tragedy strike

A Different Life

“You’re daring to accept that you could have a different life” –You’ve Got Mail

This is not exactly a source from which you expect deep or important lines (although I do really love the movie) but I find these words to be very perceptive. This really is a big part of what makes change so scary (in addition to the whole giving up who you are thing) and sometimes so wonderful.

A man I worked with until recently had been at that company for over 10 years, and as far as I know had always followed pretty much the same career path. Just a few months ago he left to--get this--become an intern on a farm, learning all about sustainable living and working the land. This is a guy who's in like his mid-to-late 30's and had a job and an apartment and a life that was going just fine, and he has dropped it all to try something new. Part of the reason he can do this is that he isn't a father or a husband, but more importantly it's something in him that allowed him to consider other possibilities even when he was comfortable. So far change has always been set out for me: my parents move, I graduate high school, I graduate college. But I'm sure it can be so easy to get settled in a way of life and just stop questioning it, stop wondering whether there was anything else you ever wanted, and go with the flow. I so admire this man for having the perspective to question what he wanted separately from what he had, and then the bravery to pursue the other desires he discovered. I hope that I will find something similar within myself and will never wake up to find that I have lived my life complacently, to become only satisfied and never truly happy and fulfilled.

More Joy

". . . and what do I care if joy is out of fashion nowadays . . ."
--Milan Kundera, The Joke

She Splits Her Lip

"Then they kiss so hard she splits her lip."
--Brendan Adkins, from one of his stories

The story this comes from was the main one up when I Stumbled across Adkins's website last year, and I was struck by this line. Without saying it directly, the author perfectly conveys the hesitating, vulnerable desire of the girl and the immediate pain of giving in.

Joy

"Let sadness never be linked with my name"
--Milan Kundera, from The Joke

A simple hope, but what more could you want?

All That Love Was Free

"because you'd like to believe
that all that love was free
for someone like you"
--Ambulance LTD

The rest of the lyrics to that song, "Anecdote," are fantastic as well, but those three lines in particular just grab me when I hear them.

To Give Up Who You Are

“In order to change, you have to be willing to give up who you are” –Salma Hayek

I’ve said that to myself so many times in the years since I’ve read that interview that I may have changed the wording a little, unintentionally, in making it my own. But it was something very close, and certainly to that effect, that Salma Hayek was quoted as saying in some women’s magazine that I happened to read on break at work or in a doctor’s waiting room. I think those are very wise words, and with them Ms. Hayek really put her finger right on the reason that I, for one, struggle with change. MUCH more on that later.

Lyrics--The Beatles

one of my old Beatles favorites, from "It's All Too Much" by George Harrison:

"and all the world is birthday cake
so take a piece but not too much"

sweet and simple and says it all.

Words, Words, Words

That's from Hamlet. Words, words, words.

I love words. There are so many really fantastic strings of them out there. I have an obsessive habit of quote-collecting--writing down phrases of lyrics, poetry, novels, articles--that makes it hard for me to ever narrow it down for a facebook page or an AIM profile. I always have this intense urge to share words I find special, hoping that others will appreciate them too, and feeling somehow that my appreciation of them says something about me, something that I like about myself. I didn't necessarily write these words (although some that I'll be sharing here I did) but I often feel as though I could have, or should have, or that the author perfectly described something I would like to share if I only knew how.